Just wanted to say how special it was to talk to Lin last night, if only for a few minutes. Would you please tell her how much I appreciated her taking the time and making the effort to talk to me. Please also tell her what a beautiful voice she has - it has a wonderful serene, musical quality, which, combined with her English accent, is lovely to hear.
All during my run last night, I was thinking of Lin, and wishing fighting strength for her. So wanting her to live, and to want to live. It gave me strength during my run, to think about that, and wish that for her. I hope some of that desire may have travelled to her.
You couldn’t have done more to honour your Lin and help her loved ones say goodbye. The service was perfect; incredibly sad and at the same time joyful and healing. Giving you that brief hug was such a physical relief for me, somewhere at last for my love and tears for you to go I loved seeing all the pictures, as it was my one chance to get to know Lin a little. I thought about six years ago, when your love and healing pulled me through such a difficult year. And I became aware that it was not only your love that I had received, but also Lin’s had come through you, to me, loud and strong. And all those tearful testimonies from those who had received Lin’s amazing love and healing – I became aware that your love and healing energy had been coming through Lin to heal and support them. The two of you had quite a power house going, and hundreds benefited from it. When I stood in front of the photo of Lin, with the flickering candles highlighting the glow in Lin’s eyes – I said a very loving thank you to her for all the healing energy I had received from her through you.
I also noticed, while watching the pictures, that in all of the ones of the two of you together, you two were never sitting up straight, but always leaning into one another. And I thought of your time of grief and healing being in some ways very physical; having to give time for your inner gyroscope to rebalance to a different physicality, without having Lin to right you.
I only met Lin once or twice very briefly. And my memory holds her as a loving and compassionate woman. I honour your time of grieving. May you be held by the love that you and Lin shared, as well as by the support and love of your friends. The sufis celebrate a time of passing as one of uniting with the Beloved. May your celebration of Lin be 'all-ways'.
I’m grateful to stay connected through the web site.
Your words, your open heartfelt communication continues to move me.
My heart is full of love for you dear friend.
Thanks Derek - we are glad to hear from you and grateful to be in your life. Thanks for your writing - it so happened, we checked the site yesterday to see if there where any new postings. Wouldn't it be insightful if your site was transformed to a blog for your readers and friends to share their insights on line next to your writings?! Imagine the shared learning! food for thought...
The only way I can wrap my head around her not being here in the same way anymore, in a physical, tangible way, is to think she was needed somewhere else, somewhere bigger, where she can do even more good. I feel her radiance, as I know you do too. I hope you continue to be warmed by Lin's glow, and by the love & caring that is being sent to you by everyone else.
Beyond the preciousness of the friendship I shared with Lin is the awareness that the two of you have given me in how rich and fulfilling a partnership between two people can be. The richness of your lives together will give you sustenance as you face life's new challenges.
Hi Derek. I read your entry and reread Lin's and cried and cried. It is so beautiful to see two people so in love and so sad that Lin is gone in body but never in spirit. I am amazed at how her spirit remained so strong and she remained Lin. I loved your story of her cracking a joke even near the end and I loved the beautiful birthday song you both sang to Lin's mom. Your stories in the journals are so raw and humane and strike at the core of all of us. Thank you-those words from the journal will always be close to my heart.
Journal Entry Five - April 16, 2007 by Lin & Derek
Warm greetings to everyone. I wish this entry could be from Lin’s own hand but unfortunately she is not be able to do this. Lin tried valiantly to type but was too weak; she did talk very briefly into an audio recorder, as she was so eager to talk to you all. Lin’s words are indented and in italics.
I find myself using the terminology “we” and “us” frequently these days. Fifteen years ago I fell in love with the most wonderful woman in the world, and “I” became “we”. Our life together continues to be a journey into the unknown. The path has taken a strange twist; nevertheless we continue holding hands as we venture on in trust and faith. The external world of our journey continues to get smaller as the internal one becomes larger and larger. No longer do we walk in the woods with our dog Elsi, not even around the duck pond that sits serenely in our back yard. But as this external world becomes smaller, we appreciate more intensely the small pleasures. There was a period where we shared great moments on our big red comfy couch in front of the fire watching movies. Now our world is the bedroom. Here we sit, the balcony festooned with twinkling butterfly lights, and we gaze out at the pond and listen to the ducks laughing all day long. The hummingbirds zip by our window and colourful rows of pansies smile their little bright faces at us. Lin has often said in these past few weeks, “It’s so great to be alive.”
I have lost a lot of weight and I am on the second floor now. The strange thing about my cancer is I still don’t know if I will be here for days, weeks or months. Then again, I guess we never know that, do we? Derek rarely leaves my side, and I have three great, kind friends caring for us. Lani is here every day like the good fairy she sprinkles her magic around us. Putting flowers here, arranging the bed there, bringing warm milk, somehow she holds the healing energy around us. Carolyn, bless her, seems to be everywhere, making delicious home cooked meals, going grocery shopping, walking Elsi in the park and massaging my legs, oh yummy. Zachariah is like a rock. I feel his amazing strength and the his gentleness as he makes his special muffins for breakfast.
Last week there was a Traditional Chinese Medicine Symposium in Vancouver. Every morning over 200 people looked at a picture of Lin and said healing prayers for her. During the breaks Sarah sold Pashmina scarves and raised money for Lin’s healing.
I received the most incredible vibes today. Thank you John Stan and Sarah Jacobs for making the West End so colourful with all of those people wearing scarves! It is so wonderful to be surrounded by so much love and compassion. I feel so connected to everyone I love. I am so thankful for this new understanding.
Lin whispered in my ears, “I want to have a birthday party for my mum.” Carolyn with her childlike exuberance just jumped on that idea. She bought balloons, hats and made a great “Happy Birthday Rene” sign in gold. Lani brought a delicious fruit cake covered in whipped cream.
I was so happy to see the look on my mum’s face when she walked into our room. We had such a great time together. When she jumped into bed beside me and I cuddled in her arms, it felt like a healing for us both. Derek and I sang our special birthday song for her.
Lin wishes so much that she could have the strength see all of her friends and talk about how much she appreciates and loves you, but unfortunately there are days when even listening, let alone talking, is exhausting. Night-time for us is like venturing into another world. Lin still has pain and more so in the night, although I am happy to tell you it is more bearable now. We wake almost every two hours as we deal with the body and its needs. Sometimes we just hold each other and cry warm tears, remembering. We have always talked a lot with each other and this hasn’t stopped at all. In the morning I open the drapes and lately we have been greeted with the warm sunshine beaming in on us. I am so tired, yet it feels like we have made love all night.
How odd it is to talk or think about where I want my ashes to be. We have decided to have them in eight different locations as 8 has always been my favourite number. It is so hard to explain how in all of this despair I feel so happy inside. I feel I am ready to accept whatever happens.
And through all this, the ups and downs, the pain and joy, the constant transformation, Lin is still Lin. One thing I have always loved about her is her sense of humour. I can’t begin to explain how heartwarming and affirming it is to hear her crack a joke when you least expect it - at some odd moment in the middle of the night, after an injection, or after throwing up a delicious meal. Yesterday I was talking with her about the journey, and how sometimes she seems to be out of her body, experiencing the depths of her soul. She quipped back to me, without so much as a second’s pause, “You mean like Marvin Gaye?” She floors me. Always has, always will.
Our journey continues, not just day by day but sometimes hour by hour. We still laugh, we still cry, we still get afraid and we still believe in miracles, and we are still definitely in love.
I love you.