You, to me, are the epitomy of kindness. No one will ever know why sickness happens to the most unlikely as it did to your soul mate Lin-but I do know that her years were prolonged and enriched with the love you shared. It makes loosing someone even harder when the love runs so deep. One step at a time Derek, our beloved peacewalker. That is what you do for others and now we are wanting that peace for you. It will take time. Your journey has been amazing and Lin will always be a huge part of it. This trip will start the healing. This time is for you. Sending you love and prayers for your journey.
I feel so honoured, blessed, and touched that you and Lin chose to share your journey with all of us. It meant more to me than I could possibly put into words. The deep love you felt for each other made this world a much better place, and will continue to do so even though Lin has passed away.
Dear Derek, I am so grateful for your and Lin's willingness to share your journey. It really does remind me that we are all innocent souls, we are all connected.
I also know that you are not one to avoid the moment, no matter what the content of that moment. I honour your capacity and courage that supports you in whatever life holds for you. I know this courage and trust will see you through all that lies ahead.
I also know that sharing the most personal of life's journeys with someone you love is both a great gift and a great challenge. I only hope I will find the courage and willingness to face life and death directly when my time comes and that with good grace my partner will be there beside me, or me beside him, however it plays out. I send you so much love and wish you peace in knowing you did all any human being can do to demonstrate the willingness to love unconditionally and to be present with it's many forms.
with love,
Journal Entry Twelve - November 11, 2007
by Derek
November the seventh, 2007: exactly a year since that horrifying moment when the surgeon came to me in the waiting room. As it was just minor surgery I was told I could see Lin in about an hour. After four hours passed I sensed something was definitely wrong. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. The surgeon came into the room looking tired; she sat down close beside me, looked right into my eyes and took a deep breath. Her words didn’t make any sense to me. I didn’t understand any of it. All I could feel was upheaval inside and an incredible urge to scream out loud, "NO!" When she finished I felt absolutely numb, unable to move, unable to talk. I could no longer hear my heart; I swear it had stopped. I don’t remember how I made it outside to my car, but I do remember being inside. I locked the doors, closed the windows tight and let the wailing inside of me surface. Rain pounded on the windshield, blending with my torrent of tears, and everything that was me fell completely apart. This is the me I now search for, on the most challenging walk I have ever taken.
There are times when I look at my past and I wonder if the guy who walked over 24,000km in twenty-three countries was really me. I look at the assortment of newspaper clippings, pictures and videos, and yes, that guy looks like me. But somehow it's like a story or a movie about someone else. Though it feels so far away, I do know the Peacewalker still lives very quietly inside my heart.
So now I walk two paths.
(1) The outer journey:
I have just returned from a 33-day camping trip in the US. All three trips I have taken since Lin passed have definitely been fuelled by a need for diversion from my grief. In retrospect, I can now see and appreciate how each journey was unique and gave me a different gift.
The first trip to Europe was about being anywhere but here (home). I felt bruised and battered emotionally and just needed a break. It worked perfectly for that.
The second was my pilgrimage to the Paramahansa Gardens in Encinitas. This came from my need to return to the source, to the proposal bench, to sit with Lin everyday for ten days and be in silence.
The third trip came from a need to bring joy back into my life, to feel adventure, love and passion. There are few things more challenging in a relationship than traveling in a small space. Fortunately, Carolyn and I have had three years of traveling experience together. We have taken three pilgrimages in Spain and one in Japan. We walked and drove across Canada together in her camper van, Ruby. This history freed us to enjoy fresh sights, sounds, tastes and feelings, both together and separately. We didn’t have a schedule or plan, but waited every day to see if we felt complete at that location. Only then did we look at our maps and decide how far we would travel and what wonders we should visit. The result was an adventure that felt like a dozen trips rolled into one: Portland, Breintenbush Hot springs, Salt Lake City, Arches National Park, Mesa Verde, Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Napa Valley, Calistoga mud baths, the Redwood forest and Harbin Hot Springs, eventually winding our way home slowly along the Oregon coast.
(2) The inner journey:
It’s not so easy to give words to the inner journey of life. It’s far easier to talk about the magnificent glowing reds of the Arches at sunset in Utah, or the line of pelicans gracefully skimming the undulating waves off the California coast. Words to describe physical realities are abundant. But the inner journey only at times manifests in the physical. How do you describe something you can't see, something that slips away from you every time you think you've grasped it? But ever since I can remember, I've been aware that going deep inside, although at times quite frightening, is where I discover my true strength. I will do my best to share this with you.
Every day, I long to hold Lin’s hand, to hear her voice, to laugh, to go shopping, watch movies, throw sticks for Elsi as we walk in the silent woods. If I could just only smell her one more time. The list of longing seems endless, revealing a profound desire to feel her as I did when she was in her physical body. Inside, there's an even more powerful desire. It is a small tornado that wants to suck me deep, I mean really deep - then and only then, it seems, will I be able to really feel those transcendent moments, when Lin was in my arms, touching my soul with those deep blue eyes. How seductive this force is, yet I know I can only swim in this place briefly, for if I stay too long I will surely drown. I am beginning to understand why it takes such a long time to let go. I am afraid if I do I will never be able to return to those priceless moments.
So this is what I am learning - so far. When the time is right I will not hesitate to go inside, feel the warmth, relive the juicy moments we shared, swim again in that glorious love - and then surface. One day I hope I will gain the wisdom to experience a new relationship with her, where I will see and feel her with me in my present and less in my past. I’m not there yet; the longing still is a huge part of my day. But I will continue down this path, and as a peace pilgrim take one step at a time. Lin wouldn’t want me to have it any other way.
Thanks for your continued love and support.